Verborrhea

How come the drumsticks they sell at the grocery store are like 3 times bigger than the drumsticks you get when you order wings? Where do they find these tiny chickens with little tiny legs?

Labels: wings

I had to drop off a package in Santa Monica today. Seconds after I made the delivery I realized there was no way I could make it home without crapping my pants. Desperate, I surveyed the area. It was after 6 on a Friday and all of the offices were closed. I tried every door in sight and they were all locked. Only two places were open, a hair salon and a some kind of massage parlor for old people. I assessed the situation and decided the only way I could avoid an accident was to go in for a trim. It cost me 40 bucks, thus making it one of the most expensive dumps I've ever taken, second only to the time I had to reupholster my grandmother's couch.

Labels: poop

I was filling up the gas tank yesterday when a bum approached and asked me for spare change. I used my card to buy the gas and didn't have any change so naturally I pretended like I couldn't see or hear him. ¹ Would I have given him change had it been convenient? No, of course not. But, it did get me thinking: what will bums do when our society moves to a paperless credit system? The amount of cash the average person carries has gone down over recent years due to increased use of credit and debit cards ² leaving bums with fewer and fewer business opportunities. This would be like if you sold combs for a living and all the sudden everybody went bald.

1: He was only a foot away so I pulled my shirt over my nose because he smelled bad, thus giving myself away.
2: I have no evidence to back this up, but it seems like it makes sense.

Labels: bums

I took a dump the other day that was so big, when I stood up and had a look at it I seriously thought for a second that a gila monster had crawled up through the sewer and was living in my toilet.

True Story.

Labels: poop

Why is it that every time I walk into a locker room somebody is standing directly in front of my locker? I can walk into an empty locker room with 200 open lockers and like clock work there will be one other guy in there, taking his shit out of the locker above mine.

And why does he never have bottoms on? I understand that nobody likes crotch rot, but do you have to air dry your balls in front of my locker? What kind of animal puts his shirt and tie on before he addresses the fact that he's naked from the waist down, save for his socks?

There has to be some great mind out there willing and able to invent something more efficient and less disgusting than a piss filled locker room. Supposedly we can put a man on the moon yet I can't take my shirt off with out brushing past some guy's nuts.

Labels: balls